Do you remain human?

Judgmental, insensitive, unfair, oppressive, patriarchal.  A succinct description of what society is to members of the fairer sex. Some have said that the new Millennium gave birth to a new line of thinking, a society which appreciates and acknowledges the role played by women and sets them at par with their male counterparts. Given, we have made some progress mostly in terms of enacting legislation which protects women and girls. 

However, the undeniable truth is that, society, which often dictates acceptable norms and appropriate behaviour, remains the biggest demon in perpetrating gender based abuse against its own children. Its cancerous nature continues to gnaw at the fundamental rights of women negating them to lives of torment and continual unhappiness. In sociology we were taught that culture is dynamic and changes with time, a situation which is aided by globalisation. Yet, in my opinion, our society remains the same repressive one towards women while it depicts men as a grandiose species which is without fault, if any, they are inherent and should be accepted. 

I remain amazed by the experiences women go through at the hands of their husbands and how, after going through a pool of pain, they still remain in these relationships and hold on to the hope and faith that all will be well. But because of the general perception by society that the crude and untrammeled behavior of most men is normal, natural and thus acceptable, often times the change in men is generally fake, ‘lipstick on a frog’, beautiful outside but damn ugly inside. And often times after the wound of deception has healed, the scar remains visible for the rest of your life. I often wonder, how does one go through harrowing experiences and still remain human? How do you stomach betrayal and disappointment from a person who is ideally supposed to protect and love you? How do you live with yourself and in some instances with him after going through so much?

  

Take a cousin of mine, who had a fairy tale wedding (the kind where buses are sent to rural areas to ferry family and friends). Everything was blissful, the perfect virginal bride and the successful young handsome groom .Years passed by, no children. My cousin was in and out of hospital which we all attributed to high stress levels caused by the inability to conceive. eight  years after the wedding, her husband fell ill, was admitted in hospital and within a few hours, the diagnosis spread among family members like a veld fire. HIV positive. The family learnt that mukwasha (son-in law) had omitted this fundamental detail before settling down with her and had knowingly infected my cousin. She only found out almost five years into their marriage but her husband insisted that they keep it a secret. I’m not stigmatising neither am I saying that they should have never wedded. The man did not disclose his status and knowingly infected her with a chronic illness which to date, has no cure. 

Then, enter the in-laws who blamed her for their son’s illness. Yet through all the persecution, she remained faithful to him, nursing him until his mother virtually kidnapped her son from her daughter in law. To this day, she still loves him, still protects him and still makes excuses for his behaviour. She is a God fearing woman and believes in the commitment she made before God to love and cherish this man until the day she dies. But, did he keep his promises to her? Was it love which led him to deliberately deceive her and cause her such pain and misery? If the situation were reversed, would he have accepted it? 

Another example, a woman I know had a serial cheat for a husband. Put plainly, this man couldn’t resist the temptation of skirts. Or as my lecturer at the Midlands State University used to say, even if a female private organ was put on a tree, he would still copulate with it. He went around town having sex with all kinds of women, fat, slim, short, tall, ugly, beautiful, you name it and sired children with two of these women (at least these are the known ones).  And at some point, the wife was threatened at gun point by a soldier whose wife the husband was apparently bedding. This woman contracted syphilis from her husband. To this day, more than 10 years after their divorce, the sexually transmitted disease still bothers her. She stayed for more than 12 years with him, through the illegitimate children, sexually transmitted illnesses and humiliation. When she finally got the guts to leave him, she had lost her innocence and had found comfort in another man’s arms. 

These are not the only two examples of women who’ve been let down. We all read on a daily basis of women who are beaten to pulp by their spouses, others killed, even more raped. Yet they stick around for one reason or the other but often times their decisions are influenced by society, religion, their mothers who tell them that all men are the same and they should hold on or their fathers who are too greedy to return the bride price or other women who share similar experiences and encourage them to put it all in God’s hands. Or in some instances, it is the psychological set of a woman’s mind which is always looking for a way to make it work or fix things. Some turn to religion, some to traditional interventions through love portions and some to fate. 

Three generations of women...

 The point is women have always been enslaved by social norms and the constant desire to do what is right as defined by a repressive society. Despite the callous nature of the men described above, the murderer, the serial cheat, the wife barterer and the rapist, families of these unfortunate women often encourage them to hold on and ‘work for their relationships’. Isn’t that what we are all encouraged to do at kitchen parties, bridal showers and family gatherings? We are told, ‘Shingirira’ (remain steadfast). And because as women brought up by upright, God fearing and traditional families, we sacrifice our own happiness to please the men in our lives. We become sacrificial lambs. We hold on until the last straw breaks. We put everyone else’s interests ahead of our own. We become enslaved in expectations be it from the church or from our own families. We cannot throw in the towel and say, ‘to hell with the garbage, I am leaving’. And often times we are afraid to leave these abusive relationships because we don’t want to end up single, wrinkled and ‘unhappy’. Unhappy in quotes because society has socialised us to believe that true happiness comes from marriage and a woman does not have an honourable status until she is married. But does it really?

What worries or concerns me the most is whether women who go through such experiences leave or remain in the relationships untainted, whether after years of abuse and self sacrifice they can still look themselves in the mirror and love the person they see. Call me unforgiving or stone hearted but I would hate my own image. How does one go through such experiences and remain sane. Surely I would lose my mind, maybe stab someone in his sleep. Can one learn to love again after having spent so many years in perpetual bondage from the man she pledged to love and sacrifice for? How do you face the man who vowed to protect you from the harsh realities of the world, after he has dragged your heart through the dust for a thousand miles? 

Will the new generation of women be bold enough to demand a better 

deal from their spouses?

I respect the women who continue fighting for their relationships because it takes courage and a good heart to swallow abuse whether physical, emotional or financial. But mostly I salute my sisters who, after realising that there is nothing left to fight for, throw in the towel, stamp their feet and with their heads held up high, dispose of the heartbreaker. Surrendering is never easy; perhaps it’s the most difficult action to take. BUT I believe that the most important decisions in life are the hardest to make but once made, they signal the beginning of a totally new and different way of living.  There is no point in spending the rest of your life tolerating a person who might never tolerate you if the situation were reversed. There is no point in changing who you are, turning sweet innocence into brutal culpability because of the bad experiences you encounter. Sometimes it’s better to hit the road before you are scarred for life. Like Adele sang in Someone like You, ‘Sometimes it lasts in love BUT sometimes it hurts instead’.